“We become what we think we are.”
That was the constant admonition of my life’s mentor, Father Luke McCann. Luke was genius, and constantly ahead of the curve by 20 years in everything. As with so much he taught me, I am still unpacking the depth of it all almost twenty years later.
“We become what we think we are.”
The ascendance of the Culture of Death attests to the fact that ever greater numbers of humans have lost sight of who they are, losing their identity in a morass of guilt and shame. These traveling companions need to be teased apart, and Good Friday is as good a time as any to do so.
Guilt is a healthy emotion, as it is the soul’s barometer, a warning that we have committed a transgression that has harmed others and/or ourselves. Guilt gets a bad name when it leads to others shaming us.
Guilt is about what we have done. Shame is about who we are. If guilt is the soul’s barometer, shame is the soul’s cancer.
Shame is about being devalued, belittled, made to feel worthless. Parents who beat their children with fists and belts for transgressions communicate worthlessness to the child; the same holds true for people being belittled for being “thoughtless”, being “clueless”, being “stupid”.
Note that the behavior is not the issue, but the individual. “Being” is who we are.
“We become what we think we are.”
If we are conditioned to think that we are worthless, we will begin to act that way. People who live with ridicule often cannot separate their behaviors from themselves. In time, they do indeed become what they think they are. They begin to engage in behaviors that will reinforce their feelings of worthlessness, of alienation, of shame.
“We become what we think we are.”
Think of the abortionist who was not the brightest bulb in the ceiling in medical school, who has washed out of pulmonology, oncology, pediatrics, etc… and has endured the ridicule from his/her peers (which is seering and brutal). Abortion is the last stop for these people. It is hard to impress upon such a person the intrinsic value of the baby when they have little sense of their own intrinsic value.
Sure, they’ve made their deal with the devil, but why?
Earlier this week I went to confession and the priest offered the following admonition: “You are not what you have done. You are a son of God who loves you as His own, just as you love your own children as your own.”
That’s the key right there. We are not what we do. If we grasped our true identity and the intrinsic dignity in that identity we wouldn’t cut people to ribbons with our tongues, be they abortionists, siblings, children, or spouses.
When Regina and I had our first real good disagreement, I stopped her and reminded her of the rules of engagement: We address and criticize the behavior, not each other. (I’ve been the biggest beneficierary of that rule.)
How often do we hear people ask if some offender has no shame, when we really mean a conscience. Even Time magazine conflated these terms several years ago when they ran an article asking whatever became of shame.
That’s the problem. We have too much shame with its attendant alienation. We have too many people with poorly formed senses of self (boundary issues), and not enough moral formation.
Morality and ethics only take root in the fertile soil of a self imbued with belonging and intrinsic value. Perhaps that’s why Jesus said that the one who says, “you fool” to his brother is liable to the fires of Gehenna. He knew all too well how those words alienate and isolate people and dissolve the social bonds so necessary for building His kingdom on earth.
To the extent that He came to take away the part of our guilt that carries with it eternal separation from Him, Jesus did so on the cross. Because He did so on the cross, He washed away our shame and restored us to our full dignity. That may not be convincing to unbelievers, but we need to treat them with dignity and value. In time they will come to appreciate Father Luke’s great admonition:
“We become what we think we are.”
Coming Home 
Dr. Nadal,
While you do claim to have extensive knowledge pertaining to the biological sciences, a few points should be noted.
1. YOU are NOT a DOCTOR.
2. YOU are NOT a psychologist.
3. YOU are NOT a woman.
So please reflect on your own opinions in the light of these points and try to figure out the TRUE essence of REALITY.
Please try and STOP living in your own world of pseudo-idealism and try and confront the reality of your existence.
Gloria,
Thanks for responding. Actually I am a doctor (Ph.D, SJU ’06) and do have extensive knowledge of the biological sciences and am degreed in psychology as well. As for not being a woman, true. But then, you are not a man and cannot fathom our reality (by your own narrow standard).
Happy Easter!
I appreciate your thoughts on this topic! This is an issue that is as much an issue for people looking at non-believers as it is when we look at other believers! So often we let our disagreements on anything from liturgy to the appropriate time for services degrade into personal battles of value as human beings….it hurts us and it hurts our ability to influence the culture around us. GUILT on us…..we can do better in Jesus name!
I don’t know what drew me to read this again today, but I have to humbly tell you…THANK YOU. There is so much wisdom in this entire blog post and I will be reflecting on it for the rest of today. Maybe it’s my “very end of the pregnancy” hormones that are making me more aware of my transgressions, more aware of my past, more aware of my broken relationships but also more aware of the power of that phrase of “We become what we think we are.” There is just so much running through my mind right now, but I’m going to leave it at this… thank you for what you’ve written in this entire post.
Dr. Nadal,
This is some profound food for thought. You’ve got me noodling on shame, conscience and guilt, and I’m not sure I agree that shame is always unhealthy. In the manner you’ve described, I’d say yes, absolutely it is deadly. Yet like Time magazine, I find myself wondering the same thing these days: whatever happened to shame? Why isn’t anyone ashamed of their bad behavior anymore?
Now, our bad behavior is celebrated and applauded and given a TV show. No one seems to be embarrassed or ashamed of their terrible behavior. In that way, I think some shame would do us good. Shame that leads to repentance and change. That’s what I have in mind. Not shame the degrades and beats us down, but shame that causes us to say, “I’ll never do that again. God, please forgive me.”
I wrote as much several months back, and got a lot of flack for it. I think I was trying to say a lot of what you said here, but I saw it differently in some ways. I appreciate everything you said here, and I’ll hang on to that phrase, “We become what we think we are.” Better parenting advice was probably never spoken.
YOU are NOT a woman.
(She got you that time, Dr. Nadal!!!)
I was hoping someone would make this point, but since no one has, I will: I think the “Culture of Death” is characterized more by a total LACK of shame or guilt than by an abundance of it.
“We become what we think we are” — this is true. But most people on the pro-abortion/pro-contraception side aren’t “losing their identity in a morass of guilt and shame.”
I think this is why, whenever the pro-life side tries to shame abortion supporters or make them feel guilty, it usually has no effect. They can just ignore it.
We are all sinners, make no mistake. There are those who have the strength to refain at certain times. Jesus said ‘not who all call me Lord will see the kingdom of Heaven’. I say run to St Joseph and St Andre Bessette to help. Ite Ad Joseph.
Reblogged this on AVORTUL UCIDE and commented:
Cultura mortii ca mostenire a noilor generatii: atentie “Devenim ceea ce gandim!”
Do you know what ever happened to Father Luke (hopefully the same one that tought at SJU)
What a great man… if you have any info, please send me any info to mike@mikelivolsi.com
Thanks..