If today’s Supreme Court decisions on gay marriage were tough to swallow, this post will be even more of a challenge to accept. On the merits of the cases, dissenting Justice Scalia got it exactly right. No argument there. It’s where the blame ultimately lies that separates me from many fellow conservative and orthodox Catholics.
It’s many, if not a majority, of us.
It’s hard for me to blame the gays and lesbians here. They are a tiny minority of the population who have managed to swing some 55% of the nation their way. Today was a hard-won victory for them, in a 5-4 ruling whose split on the Court mirrors the split in the nation. They have fought for years (along with cohabiting heterosexuals) to share in all of the goods and privileges of marriage, and they won them, one at a time while many of us were too busy with work and recreational activities to get politically fired up. By the time the Churches got serious, the game was already over.
Enjoying all of the goods and privileges of marriage: sex, adoption, child-bearing and rearing, shared benefits, etc…, the only thing missing was the piece of paper that labeled the lived reality.
Marriage.
Having permitted non-married persons of same-sex, or heterosexual pairings to cohabit with all of the privileges of married people, we have been reduced to a semantic argument. What to call it?? For a time, “Domestic Partnership” sufficed. But thinking people knew that was just a stop-gap measure. Incrementalism always works that way. So, really, where did the train leave the tracks?
Perhaps married people haven’t appreciated the goods of marriage as such. Perhaps we forgot somewhere along the way that society valued marriage so much because society recognized the complementarity of the sexes and the need of children for both their mother and father living under the same roof. It was always understood that the strength of society required stable children growing into stable adulthood, and the social scientific data have repeatedly borne out this pairing of stability with being raised by one’s mother and father under one roof.
With divorce hovering around 50% for two generations, with sex being dissected and reduced to mere pleasure-seeking through the help of artificial contraception, with children completely commodified, this was bound to happen.
Specifically, on the commodification of children, everyone makes money on them. Need to adopt because you became sterile from abortion, or STD’s, or because you are a homosexual couple? It will cost upward of $40K, often higher than $60K. Want a baby that’s genetically your own, but fall into one of the aforementioned categories, or are infertile for other reasons? There’s in vitro fertilization costing into the tens of thousands of dollars. Too old to use your own eggs? Pay some young woman $10K to juice her body full of hormones to facilitate egg donation. Then pay tens of thousands for IVF; or pay tens of thousands to hire a surrogate mother. Don’t want that baby? Abortions range from hundreds to thousands of dollars.
The wheeling and dealing over children as a commodity is ghastly, to the tune of billions of dollars each year. That’s because marriage isn’t about them anymore. It’s all about the adults. Were it all about the stability of children, today’s rulings never would have happened. The sad truth is that untold married couples fit into every one of those abusive categories just mentioned. We have made a real hash of marriage.
Instead, today motherhood was declared as entirely unnecessary in the lives of children adopted by homosexual couples.
Instead, today fatherhood was declared as entirely unnecessary in the lives of children born to/adopted by lesbian couples.
But that was just the codification of a lived reality ceded many years ago. So, no, today came as no surprise; no moreso than the diagnosis of lung cancer to the person who has smoked for decades. I was one of those smokers, too busy with work, school, family to get involved. So where do we go from here?
First, we should use great restraint in directing our anger at a tiny fraction of the population, the gays and lesbians. They have sought out recognition of their love as they understand marital love. And they do love each other, many with a greater devotion than many of our failed heterosexual marriages.
Next, we must put our own house in order; strengthening our marriages and churches, subordinating our marriages to God’s wise design. Only when that is done can we, or will we be in a position to evangelize others and change this course we have been on for decades. That won’t happen anytime soon. And what of prayer? Many have said we need to pray for a miracle.
I don’t see that happening. It hasn’t happened with forty years of abortion.
As my grandmother used to admonish: God helps those who help themselves. We, in the aggregate, have been asleep at the switch for decades. A miracle Supreme Court decision only compounds that laziness. In working to redeem marriage we grow as individuals, as churches, and as a society. Just as Adam and Eve would have to earn their living by the sweat of their brow, so it will be with abortion and marriage.
The redemption of lives and marriage itself will have to be the result of an awakening in society, or else it is cheap grace that will not endure.
Time to get to work.
Coming Home 
Ridiculous . Same sex marriage will not hurt anyone . Don’t blather like chicken little. There has NEVER been a time anywhere in world history when sex was used only for reproduction ,nor will there ever be . Catholics like you have totally unrealistic ideas of what sex should be . There is not one shred of evidence that being raised by gay parents is in any way harmful to children .
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Hey Robert…
If you ever tire of being a willing ignoramus and a dupe…
If you ever tire of shouting to drown out those with whom you disagree, read Humanae Vitae. The Church has never, EVER taught that sex was only for babies. The Church has always recognized that orgasm helps unite a husband and wife in bonds of unity.
Try shutting up just long enough to read what scholars call “primary source material.”
All you have to lose is your ignorance. I’m tired of your snot-nosed drive-by’s here. One more and you’ll be banned…again.
Yes, wise words, but I differ on one point: you said ‘only when we have our own house in order can we start to speak up for this’ (horrible paraphrase, sorry). We don’t stop advocating for the truth simply because we fail to live up to it sometimes. I don’t stop teaching my children to be patient with one another because I lose my temper fairly often. I keep working at it, and together we move forward towards gentleness and patience. We need to keep speaking up for the truth about marriage and also work on our own marriages. Perfection is not required before advocacy can occur. Humility, however, is necessary. And, perhaps gay marriage has nothing to do with how well heterosexual marriages have fared. I see your point about the loss of the unique, shining grace of marriage, and yet, is that the loss today, or is it more about relativism in our culture and cowardice in our Church’s leaders? It’s complex, to be sure. The future is going to be very different now, and we all need to double down to instruct our children well. Thank you for your reply.
“Perfection is not required before advocacy can occur. Humility, however, is necessary.” Well said, Elisabeth.
Gerard, this post and your earlier one about the sexualization of children are both hitting the same bullseye. We have made children a commodity to be obtained, discarded, and exploited at the pleasure of adults. The legitimization of homosexual unions is no different than the legitimization of abortion: It’s all about doing whatever we want with no regard for anything but our own emotional and physical satisfaction.
As I told my 16 year old son, who was remarkably upset about today’s ruling (he’s a far deeper thinker than I was at his age), God is still God. We can twist our personal morality into a pretzel, but His standards never change. And in the end, He’s the one we’re accountable to, not our state or federal government.
Robert Berger is the new “L.” I don’t miss the original one, either.
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Spot on, Gerry. Your post wasn’t hard to take. It’s the truth.
Thanks, Elizabeth. I should have expressed my point better. Our advocacy will continue to fall flat until we get our house well in order.
Thanks, Yankee.
You slapped me and every post abortive woman in the face with your words, ” need to adopt because abortion made you sterile…’
I did adopt, Dr. it did not cost me the money you quote, in fact, I was paid to foster and to adopt my three wonderful sons. You dismissed their God given worth and the worth of my mothering with your asinine pronouncement.
You seem to have a real hard on attitude against women who have aborted. As such, you are not even in alignment with your own Church’s teachings.
Don’t make your statements about same sex ‘marriage’ by running post abortive women down. It is not necessary.
No, Lee. I did not slap post-abortive women. I have post-abortive friends who have been raked over the coals in adoption ($80K +). It is the adoption agency, lawyers, birth mothers, foreign government officials raping adoptive parents and commodifying the babies/children. I’ve walked this agonizing road with several women. If you’re the one being extorted, then you are being victimized again by your abortion, and you’re not the one commodifying your child.
If you have read this blog long enough, then you would know that I am one of the biggest defenders of post-abortive women. If you go to the March for Life in DC, you’ll note that I March with my friends in Silent No More, and stay with all of them as they give their testimonies on the Supreme Court Steps. So, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
As for your children’s God-given worth, what the hell do you think the point of the article was???? Think before you shoot!
Hi, California Yankee! It’s the OLD “L.,” now commenting under my real name. Peace to YOU, too. And your pseudonym as well.
{blows kisses, waves rainbow flag, etc.}
I put the responsibility of this decision squarely on the shoulders of the church (or churches, if you like). In so many ways, the church has diluted her own authority, and has become almost a laughable representative of the authority of God. The behavior of priests and church leaders screams hypocrisy, not love. It’s like the politician who promises to do something about abortion once he’s elected. Then he gets into office, and does nothing. Our churches do less than nothing about representing God’s authority to the populace: I think they, too, have become too obsessed with money and the fear of offending people.
Right on, Gerard! We are looking at moral issues that are not seen as such by the culture, not only among non-believers but among many Christians, including Catholics (lay and clergy). One cannot blame gays and lesbians who are simply looking for an official recognition of what has been accepted in most influential cultural institutions in the western world. The Church indeed has completely fallen in its responsibility to teach not just the world at large but even its own Catholics the morality that is involved in these issues. As I see it the Church will increasingly be marginalized in this culture and while that marginalizing is due to ever increasing secularization of society, it is also due to the Church’s own lack of courage on the one hand and at actual embrace of modernism among the clergy over the years.
On the bright side, I also think it is good that the distinctions between a secular life and a life of faith become clearer and clearer. Such events help that occur. Hopefully, those in the Church who hope to continue to blur the lines will find themselves also having to become honest with themselves and to choose one path or the other.
Gerard – I am a post abortive woman and I have argued with you before. If I write that your statement felt like a slap in the face, then that is my feeling.
Bully for your marching with the SNMA women and men. You could insert “African American in here” or any other minority and it still sounds just as horrible.
I did not shoot the first volley, you did. My children think you are a mean bully. How’s that?
Sorry I even bother to comment on your site – you continue to bully people,
Lee,
Yes. I’m a mean bully. Now go away.
This blog was extremely profound and well reasoned. But as I read through the comments, some of the commenting individuals obviously not understanding what they read very well, I am getting a feel for the frustration Our Dear Lord must have felt in trying to explain concepts to human beings. And wow, He is all man and all God – imagine His frustration and yet what love and patience He has to put up with us! Thinking of Him, helps me to be less frustrated with the lack of understanding and also, to a certain extent, the lack of a willingness to take the time to study which can be observed in our society today – this unfortunately, causes a lot of repercussions including poor decision making etc. Regardless, please know that there are folks “out there” (like myself) who appreciate your profound and insightful blogs! This one was an especially excellent blog which I have shared the link to, in my listserves etc. Thank you so much, for all you do and for sharing your knowledge and insights with us! It is appreciated!!!!
I’m sorry, but I was raised in a conventional two-parent household. I was abused for years by my mother, while my father stood by and did nothing to stop her. But you say that the ideal home situation for a child is having opposite sex parents. I would rather have been put up for adoption and been raised by either two women or two men who wanted a baby so much they were willing to jump through all the hoops and untangle all the red tape so they could have a child. At least I would have been loved and not abused.
The really sad thing in all of this is that you say it should be all about the children and making sure they have a loving, stable home environment. Yeah, not so much, I think, seeing as how there are too many children out there who have gone through the exact same thing I went through, and too many who are living that experience now with those heterosexual parents.
Yes, Vesta, it would have been better for you to have been placed with a loving couple. And yes, there are many children languishing, as you have, while many have been placed with gay and lesbian couples. But you fall for the false dichotomy: either loving biological parents or loving gay/lesbian couple.
The children adopted by gay/lesbian couples will never have the influence of a mother or father as a result, while many, many sterling heterosexual couples are bypassed in order to accommodate the new social norm. Therein lies the disservice to the children, and the point I originally made.
Oh my dear my heart aches for you and I see you have found some faith or you wouldn’t be on this blog. May God console and heal you! Your situation is not an indictment of or validation of gay or strait marriage but of a mentally ill mother and weak father. You were and are loved-and have a mother and father in Mary and God the father. Please pursue receivig ministry for healing of memories and you will learn that they were indeed there with you and loved you even while you suffered. It is hard to see beyond the pain of our own individual situations and not extrapolate to a general statement on marriage. Sadly, abuse in gay relationships is massively more prevalent than in straight, and the lack of dual gender models would deform your identity severely as well. Children in gay families suffer a loss that may not feel as bad as yours but which reaches deep into their psyche. God bless you.
well i would certainly say God really messed up there, especially when there are so much more Gay Women today that are making it very hard for us Straight Guys that are very seriously looking for a good woman to meet to share a life with.
“Today is a tragic day for marriage and our nation. The Supreme Court has dealt a profound injustice to the American people by striking down in part the federal Defense of Marriage Act. The Court got it wrong. The federal government ought to respect the truth that marriage is the union of one man and one woman, even where states fail to do so. The preservation of liberty and justice requires that all laws, federal and state, respect the truth, including the truth about marriage. It is also unfortunate that the Court did not take the opportunity to uphold California’s Proposition 8 but instead decided not to rule on the matter. The common good of all, especially our children, depends upon a society that strives to uphold the truth of marriage. Now is the time to redouble our efforts in witness to this truth. These decisions are part of a public debate of great consequence. The future of marriage and the well-being of our society hang in the balance.